links I was recently reminded by a post on Yay about how badly I need to go buy some new shoes. I would really like a pair of these:

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learn *hey yall well today was a good day for once i guess….first was school and i found out the greatest thing ever SUMMER is goin to the beach spring break and so0o am i!!! omg we are goin to have so0o much fun!!!! lol i cannot wait!!!!!! well then after school was homework again!!lol!! then i had dance from 5:45 till 8:30 then i came home and took and shower and now i am online!!!lol!! so0o yea that was my day it might not sound like alot but it was a long day for me!!!lol!! o0o and well yall PLZ do me a favor and plz pray for my best friend in the world i am not goin to tell u her name but she has a really hard life and some of all think that ur life is hard but if u only knew about her life u would thank god everyday for ur life.. and u might hate ur parents and u think they r out to screw up ur life but atleast u have parents there r thousands of kids all around the world that dont have any and there not loved like alot of us our.. so0 just stop and think each day how lucky u really are to have 2 ppl that love u no matter what u do…well i love yall and plz member to PRAY!!!!thanks!!!

learn This might have been for a girl….:(

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interesting Lacie left for Chile yesterday. After a bit of 'maneuvering', I managed to spend some extra time with her, as her flight got moved up two hours or so. Mike Kerr (or Issac Mizrahi ), Lacie, and I went to Rachel's house to grab her to head to China Palace, but Rachel was sick, so we ventured on without her. Sarah Papke met up with us later, and after the meal, we waved good bye to Lacie, and she got into the car with Mike and drove away. I won't see her in person again for another five months. Sarah and I went back to Rachel's after that to deliver her Christmas gifts. Sarah made me this bee-YOO-tiful turquoise and bronze necklace. I lurve it. Anyway, a little while later we headed home. I haven't cried yet about Lacie, and I'm waiting for the whole thing to hit me. I suppose it might not, considering I've been preparing for this since she brought up the possibility over a year ago. Things actually won't change overmuch, but I imagine things will be a bit more settled. I'm starting to hate work, and I'm definitely feeling like I'm not even needed there. I might quit soon. Although, she wouldn't even notice if I started not showing up altogether. Anyway, went to the little Sat@6 music team party tonight, which was fun. Cool people there. Not much else going on this weekend, other than church tomorrow. More later! -Al

links meet second semester katy. she's genuinely interested in her classes, and is using that to drive her academics, instead of an overwhelming desire to get A's. she's taking time out for herself, even if it's as simple as walking the long way home from class when there's a beautiful sunset, or watching a tony ep just because. she's working, and enjoying small bits of independence as they come. she's not feeling guilty about sticking up for herself. past reincarnations of katy have had a hard time saying no to a request, or making a request for the betterment of herself, but new katy says: 'hey, i have every right to make myself as comfortable as i can, as long as i don't willing violate your rights in a mean spirited way'. she's trying oh so hard to be patient. good things will come, and have come, to those who wait. she'll wait. but mostly, second semester katy just takes it a day at a time. no need to stress. no need to break down. no need to bury it all, just to have to let it out in a sometimes scary way.

links So my stress has just now hit about my SOL test tomorrow for US/VA History AP. I mean I am literally freaking out. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

default So I went to financial aid today and found out why I didn't qualify for a book voucher. Because they never finished sending my loan through LAST semester, so technically I still haven't paid for last semester! Dumb-asses. Dumbasses. The Fin. aid guy said 'Well I don't know who dropped the ball, but I'll get it rolling again.' Gee thanks guy, you're my hero! But I ended up getting my book voucher anyway. I 'spent' $329.75 today on books. Now I just need to get supplies. I probably won't need much really, I still have leftovers from last semester. I think this semester will be easier. And more fun. I think Philosophy will be my hardest class, though I'll probably have a lot of work to do in Creative Writing also. How big of a dork am I? I've already read 3 or 4 stories in one of my creative writing books…and class doesn't start until Monday. That teacher is gonna love me. Or be irritated by me and think I'm an over-achiever. Eh, either way. As long as she grades fairly, I don't care. I kind of like being an irritant. My bunny keeps biting us. The people who gave her to us said she didn't bite. Maybe she just doesn't like us…cause she definately bites me and Neil. Which is why we are hesitant to let Maddie touch her. If she bites Maddie, well then she's out the door. Thats just not safe. On a plus side, even tho she craps on the floor, rabbit poo is in pellet form and easier to clean. YAY. Wow thats kinda gross. I'm talking about rabbit poop.

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more Well I dont know what it is exactly. Perhaps my loneliness has gone to a new state or something and I didn't even notice it. Today something was pointed out to me. I was asked why there was so much food in the kitchen. Turns out I have been eating less and less each day without even noticing it. In the past two days, thinking back on it, I have had a small handful of gummy works and two muffins. Last night I felt hunger pains as I was attempting to go to sleep, but they passed rather quickly. I haven't actively been eating less either, I honestly didn't even notice it until something was said to me about it. When it was brought to my attention I decided I should probably get some food, so I go in the kitchen to look for something. Immediately I'm overcome with a nauseous feeling, you know that kind you get when you eat too much, so I had no desire to fix myself anything. I can't explain my loss of appetite that I have had lately. It's very unusual for me to say the least, as I am normally fighting the urge to over consume. Its not like Im starving myself either, because I would eat something if my body was telling me to. I do not like that shaking feeling often followed by lack of food and hunger, but it is not present. To me, I still feel like I just ate, even on the small amount of food over this week with no loss of energy or cravings. Im lonely, but Im not really sad about it. My brain just feels like its kind of gone on vacation for awhile. Im somewhat stress free from my normal things other than school projects.

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more I cannot wait til tomorrow. Acting 1 at 9. Voice tech 2 aka run through my fair lady stuff w/ryan and courtney. beginning modern (!!!) so excited about class. kinda weird. but yea. woot. the end.

more Looking through my memory box Hunting for glimpses of you Scanning hard disks for your face Trying to recall long buried files Searching crowds for pieces of you Just a fragment. A lost piece A name A face I miss you. Sitting here in my endless search. For a past I threw away. A part of me. Gone. Never coming back. Returning. I can still hear your voice. Calling my name. Daring. Among the echoes in my head. .dream ..or a.. ….memory…. Carl T. Holscher 11-23-00

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interesting i'm trying to listen to angry music as loud as possible because i'm really fucking pissed off. sylvia needs to stop turning the heat up after i told her where the thermostat stays. 'oh did i turn it up?' 'oh am i retarded?' this is the thing i'm least angry about actually. i guess i'm suddenly untrustworthy. i really hate you, but i'm not going to screw you over as revenge. i'm not going to steal your fucking money.

interesting When the whirlwind of noise surrounds and get intense, And when words can't hide their anger or intent. I feel it in my bones and in my head, Can't make sense of what is said. Ready for the take down, headed for a breakdown. Fear has me backed against these walls that I follow and pace. Time moves in and out of phase of everything that I face. I feel it in my bones they rattle and shake, can't find a trace of what it takes to stop this take down. Can't stop this breakdown! Welcome to my scene. a place that's in-between where squares fit the round. Some affectionately call it … my breakdown…. When I feel the pressure mounting and my hands begin to clutch, I reach my limit of pain and I've had enough. It feels good to pound on tables and chairs and feel the frenzy start to wear. Breakdown this take down, gotta stop this breakdown. Welcome to my scene. a place that's in-between where squares fit the round. It'll never be, never be more than this. never.

links Some days everything I feel is so alive, and although its annoying to get teary eyed about nothing (the majority of the time I hate it.) it is also extremely re assuring and comforting. It reminds me that I don't always feel indifferent to everthing and everyone around me. I know my personality is made up of extremes and that I'm either numb and indifferent, or I'm emotional and stressed, but every once in a while I prefer being emotional . Emotions always feel new. ( I think Jess and I talked about that one day?..about the joys of crying.) Ya See…. I was at school from 8-4 today (and it was hell), I felt really bored and I was wallowing in my usual mental attitude that 'everyday and everything is pointless'. Since everything felt pointless and pathetic I knew that the only way to fix that was to feel crazily pissed off, insane, depressed, or Joyful. So I said 'fuck it' to the stupid wind, took off my jean jacket, and I took the long way home just so I could walk in the disgusting rain. Just so I could feel freezing,disgruntled, sad, sick, and cough my lungs out. Thats right, I wanted to feel like absolute crap. I wanted to feel completely disgusted by my health, and nature's hideous weather. Yes I realize that probably makes me sound like I have issues, or I'm just a twisted nut bar, but I knew what the point of it was. When I got to my house I was filled with happiness, and this comforting joy to be home. I made myself some coffee with hot chocolate in it and sat at my kitchen table drinking my chocolate flavored coffee ( like I used to do on a stormy day when I was eight years old.) It filled me with Nostalgia, and I LOVE nostalgia. When I was done drinking my chocolate I came up stairs, turned on the weakerthans and got all teary eyed while singing along like an over joyed dork to the songs. It was wonderful. I mean ya…it's melodramatic bullshit ..and it doesnt really mean anything..but… Some days you just need to feel emotional to prove to yourself that you still care about life and everything in it. I feel refreshed. -Dee

unique birthday gift online let me just say again how much i hate artists. i'm on deviant art, and i left this comment on